San Jose has a great big rat and Winnipeg has a Golden Boy with great big balls

So here’s what I’m thinking about three members of the San Jose Sharks bashing good, ol’ Hometown…

First of all, Tomas Hertl, Justin Braun and Tim Heed could have been a tad more creative in dissing Winnipeg. I mean, describing River City as “cold and dark” is so much meh. Same old, same old.

The Golden Boy: Tall, proud and buck naked.

It’s frigid in Winnipeg, you say? Well, duh. So wrap yourself in a parka and trundle to and fro in those subterranean tunnels and above-ground test tubes that connect the downtown corridors. And it gets dark in Winnipeg? Ya, like, after the freaking sun sets, dudes. A setting Sol is not peculiar to Pegtown. At last report, River City was still part of the Solar System, so, ya, they have to deal with that pesky dark-of-night thing.

Second, if you hang your hat in El Pueblo de San Jose de Guadalupe, you might want to trigger the filter between your brain and tongue before opening your gob.

Technology aside, what’s San Jose really known for?

Well, news outlet FiveThirtyEight named it “the most forgettable major American city.” Economist and migration blogger Lyman Stone ranked it as the “weirdest city in America” in 2016. On WalletHub’s listing of the most fun cities in the U.S., it comes in at a distant 95th, behind notable good-times spots like Akron, Lincoln, Omaha, Grand Rapids and Des Moines.

Little wonder the mayor of all 1,042,094 people, Sam Liccardo, says, We’re not big on bluster.”

Apparently, Mayor Sam and other civic leaders have been trying to come up with a fresh slogan for San Jose. Hmmm. The city has this quirky law which prohibits animals from publically fornicating if within 1,500 feet of a church, school or pub. Might make for a catchy slogan—San Jose: We never screw the dog.

A better question would be: How do those horny critters know if they’re inside the 1,500-foot, no-humping zone? Do they post doggy signs?

Whatever, San Jose is not without its selling points.

Reportedly, more than half the adults in the self-proclaimed Capital of the Silicon Valley have a college education. I assume the other half voted for Donald Trump.

Joey Chestnut

And, hey, San Jose has celebrities. Like Joey Chestnut.

Nobody on this planet eats more hot dogs in less time than Chestnut, the renowned face-stuffer who’s been known to scarf as many as 72 Nathan’s tube steaks in 10 minutes. What city wouldn’t be proud of a world-class glutton?

I’d say Chestnut’s achievement is admirable, except I’d be more impressed if he could gobble down 72 Salisbury House cheese nips in 10 minutes.

San Jose also has notable landmarks. Like the world’s largest rat. That would be a 30-foot Chuck E. Cheese. The thing is, they keep the rodent caged. And indoors. Wimps.

By way of comparison, Winnipeg has the Golden Boy—all 17.2 feet and 3,640 pounds of him—and he stands outside (even when it’s dark), proudly atop the Manitoba Legislative Building with his bare balls hanging out. Try that in minus-40 weather.

Winnipeg can even match San Jose school dropout for school dropout. They have Stevie Nicks, who left San Jose State University and eventually found fame with Fleetwood Mac. But I’ll call their Stevie Nicks and raise them a Neil Young, the Kelvin High dropout who joined Buffalo Springfield, then Crosby, Stills & Nash.

But, listen, I’m not hear to trash San Jose, even though trash talking the other guy’s town is as old as a Bob Hope joke. Happens every day. And Winnipeggers definitely do it, too.

Think about it, when was the last time you heard anyone in River City say something warm and fuzzy about Regina? As if. I recall a former Winnipeg Blue Bombers head coach, Professor Mike Kelly, describing the good folks of the Saskatchewan capital as the “toothless, green, watermelon-helmet-wearing people from the crotch of Canada.” And Ol’ Lefty, Bombers place-kicker Troy Westwood, called the flatlanders “a bunch of banjo-picking inbreds.”

Others in Pegtown have used different parts of the human anatomy to describe Regina, and each of those body parts leaks and emits foul odors.

So there’s that.

Chuck E. Cheese

Legendary jock journalist Jim Murray, meanwhile, seldom squandered an opportunity to have sport with his many ports of call as columnist with the Los Angeles Times.

On Cincinnati: “They still haven’t finished the freeway…it’s Kentucky’s turn to use the cement mixer.”

On Baltimore: “The weather is like the team. Gray. Colorless. Drab. The climate would have to improve to be classified as merely lousy. It really doesn’t rain, it just kind of leaks. You get a picture of Baltimore as a guy just standing on a corner with no place to go and rain dropping off his hat. Baltimore’s a great place if you’re a crab.”

On Minneapolis-St. Paul: “They don’t like each other and from what I could see, I didn’t blame either of them.”

On San Francisco: “It is so civilized, it would starve to death if it didn’t get a salad or the right wine. It fancies itself Camelot, but comes off more like Cleveland. Its legacy to the world is quiche.”

Thus, when Hertl, Braun and Heed went off on Winnipeg, describing it as “dark and cold” and, at the same time, suggesting it was a horse-and-buggy burg that had yet to be introduced to the world of hashtags and tweets (“I don’t know if they have WiFi there yet.”), they weren’t exactly breaking fresh (frozen) ground. People have been taking frost-bitten cheap shots at good, ol’ Hometown since the first Red River cart blew a tire (what other reason could there have been for stopping and settling there?).

Remember old friend Ilya Bryzgalov? The former National Hockey League goaltender wasn’t afraid of anything in this entire world. Except “Bear in forest.” And living in Pegtown.

You don’t want to go to Winnipeg, right?” he once advised news snoops. “Not many people live there. Not many Russian people there. Plus it’s cold. There’s no excitement except the hockey. No park, no entertaining for the families, for the kids. It’s going to be tough life for your family.”

Bryzgalov made me laugh. Hertl, Braun and Heed not so much.

If you’re going to trash talk, boys, come up with some fresh material.

Relentlessly Christian person objects to relentlessly gay front yard

gay-yard21News Item: Resident Julie Baker in Baltimore receives a note accusing her of maintaining a “relentlessly gay” front yard. Christian neighbor threatens to call police.

Here’s how that phone call to police might go…

Christian Neighbor: “I would like to report an emergency on Kenwood Avenue, officer!”

Desk Sergeant: “What seems to be the trouble, ma’am?”

Christian Neighbor: “The woman across the street from my Presbyterian church has a relentlessly gay front yard!”

Desk Sergeant: “A relentless what?”

Christian Neighbor: “Yard…a relentlessly gay front yard!”

Desk Sergeant: “I see. Can you give me a description of this front yard, ma’am?”

Christian Neighbor: “Well, this woman has a lantern display. There are 14 of them and they’re all different colors. They’re like a rainbow! And when she lights them up at night they spell out the words LOVE and OHANA.”

Desk Sergeant: “Ohana. Sounds suspicious to me. This woman belong to some sort of cult?”

Christian Neighbor: “Of course she does! It’s the gay cult! The anti-God cult! The sodomists! If we don’t stop her now, there’ll be rainbows all over the neighborhood, unicorns on rooftops, Pride flags on homes instead of the Stars and Stripes, and Peter Pan will be elected mayor!”

Desk Sergeant: “Calm down, ma’am. Please calm down.”

Christian Neighbor: “I’m sorry, officer, but I’m relentlessly Christian and I fear for our children. If they find out about this homosexual thing…oh, I pray to my Lord in heaven that I never have to explain things like same-sex marriage to my children. How can I possibly do that? I wouldn’t know what to say!”

gay-yard-800x430Desk Sergeant: “Let’s backtrack a bit, ma’am. You say these rainbow lanterns spell out the words love and ohana?”

Christian Neighbor: “That’s right, officer…love and ohana.”

Desk Sergeant: “Any idea what ohana means?”

Christian Neighbor: “Family…it means family.”

Desk Sergeant: “So let me see if I’ve got this straight: Your neighbor has a front yard display in all the colors of the rainbow and it promotes love and family. And you see this as a threat to children in the neighborhood?”

Christian Neighbor: “That’s right, officer. It’s the work of the devil!”

Desk Sergeant (laughing): “Pardon me for saying so, ma’am, but I have to ask if you’re having me on. Is this some sort of reality TV show? You know, the Real Gay Yards of Baltimore, or something like that? Is there a hidden camera behind my desk that’s filming all this?”

Christian Neighbor: “Oh…my…God! You’re one of them! You’re one of them, aren’t you?”

Desk Sergeant: “One of who, ma’am?”

Christian Neighbor: “One of the gay cult! I’ve heard that the police are letting lesbians and gay men join the force! Do you have a rainbow in your front yard?”

Desk Sergeant: “No rainbows, ma’am. Just some pink flamingos and a bunch of garden gnomes that look like Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.”

Christian Neighbor: “I guess that’s okay! I don’t think Danny DeVito or Rhea Perlman are gay! Mind you, you never know about those Hollywood types! Bunch of sodomists! This gay cult even has President Obama brainwashed into believing the gays should have equal rights! And, to think, I voted for him! I won’t make that mistake again!”

Desk Sergeant: “Well, ma’am, President Obama can’t run for the White House again. He’s done after this term.”

Christian Neighbor: “Thank the Lord for small mercies! He passes himself off as a God-fearing Christian, but he’s part of the gay cult!”

Desk Sergeant: “Excuse me, ma’am, but we’re getting a bit off topic here. What can you tell me about this Rainbow Lady with the lanterns? She have any distinguishing features?”

Christian Neighbor: “She has a rainbow tattoo on one of her arms. She’s in her late 40s, she’s a widow, she has four children—I pray for the souls of those poor, misguided young ones—and whispers from across the back-yard fence say that she’s one of them bisexuals. Yup, she likes both men AND women! And she has a relentlessly gay front yard!”

Desk Sergeant: “So here’s what I’m hearing from you, ma’am: We have a middle-aged, widowed woman who’s raising four children on her own, and she has a multi-colored lantern display in her front yard that speaks to the qualities of love and family. That’s why you dialed 911?”

Christian Neighbor: “That’s right, officer! What are you going to do about it?”

Desk Sergeant: “Well, ma’am, as soon as my shift is over, I’m going to go straight home and love my family. Then we’ll go to church and I’ll say a prayer of thanks for my gay son.”


%d bloggers like this: