I’m not sure why, but for the past week I’ve been groping with a gripping notion that I’m letting somebody down. That I should be doing more for her, him or them.
I just don’t know who that somebody is.
I struggle mightily to figure it out. What am I not doing that I should be doing? When, where, why and how should I be doing it? Most of all, though, it’s a matter of who.
I’m not in a relationship. I’m not employed. I’m not in a financial situation whereby I can assist someone. I can’t imagine any of my friends expecting something of me that would be life altering. Wouldn’t they say something?
It’s hard to explain.
It’s an intense feeling of inadequacy, much like I experienced as a child when I heard a lot of “You’ll never amount to anything.”
I suppose it’s true: I really haven’t amounted to anything. At least not by my measuring stick.
Time compounds this nagging notion of unfulfillment. I’m not young. My best before date for most things has expired. But even day-old bread holds value and is useful. So why can I not shake this feeling that I am letting everybody down? Everybody!
It keeps gnawing at me, like a dog on a meatless bone, and I cannot figure out what to do about it.